SPM changed me (Part 2)

I'd find myself struggling to find a story plot. Well, I must say, I was able to create such a fine story, entitled The Curse of the Swiss (I have obsession on giving titles). I wrote the essay the night before my English mid year exam, finishing at 2 a.m. Mrs Dayana praised me for that story, and I am actually proud of myself. But well, praises are not good enough, I need marks to prove that. 32/50, a little bit frustrated.

So, I took a decision that I thought I was never ever make.

After the trial exam, I practiced the open-topic essay instead. Memories, magic, bla bla. It was quite fun actually. And I practically score 40/50, finally. But if I sent narratives, I won't get 40. I feel disappointed at times, but I pushed it all away. It made sense, right? 

And so, for the SPM, I expected myself to the open-topic one. Except that I was taken aback by the phrases given : REALITY SHOWS. I am not a television person, and that made me dumbfounded. The narratives questions seemed perfect for my previous story, but it had been long since I practiced them. I remembered the story well, but I panicked a bit. I went back and forth with myself, which is the best for me? And I could not believe it, I hesitated, during SPM! The most important exam! 

I was so unprepared for the narrative. I doubted myself, too. Marks showed that open-topic is the best for me, while my heart told me I love narratives. I believe in factual, data and analysis, so, open-topic's the choice. But it felt so wrong, why? There's no heart in the essay, that's for sure. I even wrote something like " When I heard the phrase, I do not know what to write", but I crossed it out later. Negative introduction will give the teachers a low expectation, so I am not taking the risk.

That's the past. Let bygones be bygones.

After SPM, I tried to continue my discontinued stories, but I failed, yet again. I could write anything on the spot before, but now it seemed hard. It made me realize that SPM made me write for the sake of examinations, not for myself. I lost my heart, mate.

Due to that, I created this blog, for the sake of old times, when I write because I love it, not because of the others. I hope to find me again.

I miss her.